Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Conversation is dead

I find it hard to write down my emotions in other than my mother tongue, but somehow I feel liberated whenever I express my feelings in English. It sounds strange, but in this way my emotions become universal and understandable to wider range of people. I wish I could explain this to you, so I will try. I have a problem with connecting, really connecting with people. Most of my encounters with others end with me shutting down whenever I feel like I am not listened to. I am known as " a listener", I am a person who is compassionate, understandable, an advice giver. Sometimes I feel like I am being taken advantage of, because people tend to suck me into their own drama. I end up feeling exhausted and not wanting to talk or see them again. One of my friends tells me that I am a magnet for emotional vampires.Whenever I try to talk and share my feelings or problems, these people interrupt me, they loose eye contact, become restless, impatient and start talking about themselves again. I shut down, build a wall and do everything to avoid them. It makes me feel sad, because I miss a real converstaion with someone other than my husband. I am tired of listening to other people's monologues about their health, love life, marital problems, even their sex life. I am sick and tired. So, I write. I write in my mother tongue, in English, in Greek. I do it because I want to be listened to and appreciated for being a good listener, a friend, a good 'psychologist'. I don't really care if anyone reads this, just being able to write it down, as I said in one of my previous posts, makes me feel better. The art of real converstaion is dead; facebook, mobile phones, email, chat took over our lives creating a new way of communicating without really having to...talk. But, it's not only this. I believe that people can't really understand the wastness of universe, they still have the mentality that everything revolves around them. That's how they were raised, that's how they are raising their children: "You are the center of the world. Only you and your feelings are important." People have lost the ability to talk, most of them do not know how to have a real conversation, to put themselves in other people's shoes, to listen, really listen with their hearts and souls. I miss that. I want that. Is it too much to ask?

Monday, 16 April 2012

This is how life should be

Full of color and love, with children playing, unwinding in the sunshine, smelling the yellowness and orangeness in flowers, dancing barefoot, relaxing, laughing your lungs out, wearing lovely dresses and pink flowers in the hair, watching the sunset, making love and drinking tea. This song and video explain it much better than me. It is...perfectly joyful. Enjoy...

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

My life lately

Who cares about what's going on with my life anyway? Well, I do. Writing down my feelings actually helps me put certain things in perspective. It's been tough: I feel disappointed, it seems like that my plans and dreams are not even close to coming true or is this spring blues talking instead of me? I feel like this every time some big changes are about to happen and I am quite afraid of change. Actually, I am terrified. I am tired of putting on a brave face and acting like I am all strong and tough when I am not. I cry like a little baby, I am tired and exhausted. And you know what? That's perfectly OK. I am human. By the way, why do I feel like a narcisstic, self-absorbed looney while I'm writing this? I shouldn't. Putting down my feelings on "paper" feels good. It's all that matters right now. To feel good.
My life lately looks like this:

  • gathering boxes and moving supplies, packing, selecting, decluttering, feeling emotional and sad.
  • lots and lots of popcorn making. caramel ones are for me.
  • kids watching a lot od TV and DVD's. Feels wrong and selfish, but I am soooo busy I can't really devote much time to them. yeah, I know, that doesn't make me a bad mother. I do hug them and kiss them all the time, we read a story or two, take small walks to the bakery. I'm not much of a "fun mom" these days.
  • a lot of tea drinking. tea really helps me relax and unwind. I love my 5 o'clock tea ritual, it's soooooo English. Throw in a couple of tea biscuits and I'm in heaven... at least for a while.
  • not having much sleep. 'Nough said.
  • watching Rachel Khoo's cooking show The little Paris kitchen. Très charmant!
  • listening to Lenka. I can't seem to get this song out my head.
  • thinking about all the cooking and baking that has to be done for Easter. Greek Orthodox Easter is celebrated on April 15th. I'll cook lamb and garlicky potatoes, tsoureki, salads and chocolate cake. Hopefully, we'll have a good time.
There. I feel better. And hopefull. Thanks for listening.